February 9th, 2004

Professional

Rules for being a Good Republican

This is an edited list of Rules for Being a Good Republican which my dad sent me today.

1) You have to believe being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it an "illness" and needs our prayers for your "recovery."

2) You have to believe that the US should get out of the UN, and that our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

3) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's lives but it needs to punish anyone caught having private sex with the "wrong" gender.

4) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.

5) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

6) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

7) You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.

8) You have to believe that the best way to encourage military morale is to praise the troops overseas while cutting their VA benefits.

9) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

10) You have to believe that the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies and then demand their cooperation and money.

11) You have to believe that government Medicare is wrong and that HMO's and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart.

12) You have to believe that providing health care to all Iraqis is sound government policy but providing health care to all Americans is socialism personified.

13) You believe that tobacco's link to cancer and global warming are "junk science", but Creationism should be taught in schools.

14) You have to believe that waging war with no exit strategy was wrong in Vietnam but right in Iraq.

15) You believe that government should restrict itself to just the powers named in the Constitution, which includes banning gay marriages and censoring the internet.