- Why does a ringing telephone always take precedence over a customer paying cash?

- Rules you didn't know you needed until you had kids: No. 5 -- Don't spit on my pants.

- When the government issues a terror alert, it is the duty of every patriotic American to be terrorized.

- The 9/11 report comes out, listing some things that need to be done right away. Congress promptly goes on a six-week vacation. Is this a great country or what?

- I will take the terrorist threats against New York City seriously when the Republicans move their convention.