I got an e-mail that said “Give Bill O’Reilly for Christmas.” I replied, “Why not just give a lump of coal?”
Bluetooth is the last technological step before the chip-in-the-head.
Weekend Vent (12/10/06)
A chip in the head would be preferable to people walking around looking as if they’re talking to themselves with something that looks like a giant roach attached to their ear.
Dear Santa: Please bring Britney some seat covers.
I really hate it when someone says, “Needless to say,” and then goes ahead and says it anyway.
I have all my teeth and a steady job and I don’t live with my mother. If you want to go on a date just let me know which days work for you and I’ll check my schedule with my wife.
My retired neighbor was pulling ragweed from his garden when the punk neighbor kid asked what he was doing. The old man said someone had thrown pot seed all over his garden, and he was trying to pull them before the police saw them. When he awoke the next morning, his garden was weed-free.
Getting your Vent published is harder than getting in to see the wizard.
I want my next girlfriend to be more like an airline terrorist: No baggage.
They say the second million is easier to make than the first. So I think I will work on my second million first.
Friday Vent (12/8/06)
Why is the guy in the office with the most annoying laugh also the guy who thinks everything is funny?
Equip our teachers with Tasers and watch standardized test scores go through the roof.
Wednesday Vent (12/6/06)
My company is great. They let us name our own salaries. I call mine Little Richard.
I’ve had many chips in my head. They just pause there on their way to my belly.
My friend and his wife just had a baby. He wanted to know how soon he could have sex. I told him it depended on whether she had a private or semi-private room.
Tuesday Vent (12/5/06)
It is a scientific fact that calories ingested during the holidays do not count.
I see London, I see France, I see Britney’s … Oops! Never mind!