US humorist & political commentator
"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators."
"Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen."
"The weirder you are going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person."
"The U.S. Constitution is less than a quarter the length of the owner's manual for a 1998 Toyota Camry, and yet it has managed to keep 300 million of the world's most unruly, passionate and energetic people safe, prosperous and free."
"Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink."
"Drugs have taught an entire generation of Americans the metric system."
"Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it."
"A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat."