As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.
I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.